Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Satans furry little helper

Shit Happens…..

I’ve recently returned home to Massachusetts to aid my family in caring for my grandfather, or the “Chief” as I affectionately call him. He’s just about ninety years young. He’s a funny old bugger, full of piss and vinegar. He’s for lack of a better term your typical proverbial wise ass, a constant flirt and practical joker.

Yesterday was my Uncle Billy’s shift to care for the Chief. I haven’t seen my uncle in years, so I decided to keep him company on his shift. One key factor you should know about the Chief’s home before beginning this tale is about his cat. A ferocious feline, which I swear Satan himself must have tossed from the fiery pits of hell into our lives. Megabucks is this infernal beasts name. It has the eyes of a wild beast and the temperament of a rabid wolverine. Her favorite activity is attacking people without warning nor provocation.

She’s a sadistic animal that lures unknowing victims into here claws by walking up innocently like your common variety house cat wishing to be pet, but this is not your common feline. Once said victim gets their hand just close enough to pet this beast, she unleashes all hells fury upon her victim with razor sharp claws and fangs. Claws she sharpens to surgical perfection on every piece of the Chiefs furniture mind you. I’ve been awakened many a night from my peaceful slumber on the Chief’s couch to the sounds of Megabucks sharpening her claws inches from my head. I’d lay there paralyzed in fear staring straight into the beast’s eyes trying not to make any sudden movements that may provoke the calico demon to attack.

If my grandmother, God rest her soul, was still around Satan’s furry little helper would have been put in a box and mailed to Antarctica years ago. But sadly she is not, and
Somehow this four legged demon brings the Chief untold amounts of happiness. I have no clue how anyone would want to keep such a beast.

Whenever this reject from the bowels of hell is not present the Chief gets worried that I’ve let the beast outdoors. A search party must be formed immediately, to look under every bed, table, and couch in the house until the damned beast is found. Only once Megabucks is found will the Chief be able to rest his mind. He’s worried that wild animals will eat his precious pet if it gets outdoors. I fear for any wild beast that crosses this domestic demon’s path.

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